THE TALL GRASS

You love your kids. You don’t want them to experience the hardship you experienced, and you want them to be set up for success beyond your own. It’s a natural feeling for us as parents. Isn’t it normal to chart a course for our kids, to empower them to go further in life? To set them up for a life better than our own.

Mind you, I am not a child development professional, I have no degrees in this area and I only have my own experience. I do, however, tend to be a bit observant of situations. Within those situations, I am aware that I don’t know the full context and perhaps, I’m only seeing an emotional, point-in-time decision based on years of build-up. While that is true, I also know you have your own experience and you’re not reading my thoughts for medical or psychiatric direction. If you are, please stop now.

With that out of the way, what am I getting at? Perhaps the best way I can explain is by sharing a term that was recently shared with me, the “lawnmower parent.” You’ve heard the term “helicopter parent” where a parent hovers over their child to observe, criticize or correct their every move. This parent is involved in every decision, micromanaging the mental and emotional development of their child. I’ve been this parent before when I focus on critiquing the actions of my kids. I’m obsessing over what they are or are not doing, correctly, in my eyes. The lawnmower parent is different. This is the parent that is always out in front of their child clearing the path, removing every obstacle in an effort to ensure their child doesn’t have to make a tough decision on their own or experience adversity.

I choose to believe that the heart of the lawnmower parent is in the right place, that the intent is constructive. No parent wants to see their kid struggle, even me. I do enjoy the feeling of seeing my kids experience the light bulb moments, however. Those moments when they figured something out on their own. In the earlier years, when I could still provide guidance on their homework, it was great to see them figure out the solution based on an approach different than my own. Or, deciding what should be included when packing their suitcase. It’s an error they learn more quickly when they get to a friend’s house and realize THEY forgot to pack underwear. At this point, there is no one else to blame and the consequence isn’t too severe. Today, it might look like a new idea on how to handle a tough situation with a friend. Or perhaps more commonly, mom and dad aren’t going to make the meal, so they need to figure out what a balanced, colorful, body-nourishing meal looks like…they’ll actually eat.

This reminds me of what my mom would say when we’re in the kitchen together. Whether we’re making dinner or emptying the dishwasher, she’d say, “Don’t ask me where something is or where something goes, keep looking until you find it’s home.” Sometimes, she’d ask a question about where I thought something like that would live or show me once but not repeatedly. Like so many of her one-liners, they seemed to only address the immediate and I didn’t draw the parallel to life. What she’s inferring is the same as a two-liner you’ve heard, “Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. TEACH a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime.” She knew that by telling me where I could find the glasses, I’d likely ask her again when I needed a plate. I’ve only then learned that she is the source of knowledge. She also knew that by letting me open and close a few cabinet doors until I found my objective, I was learning it on my own, gaining my own knowledge that I could then share with others. No wonder she always had me emptying the dishwasher and making my own lunches. Seriously, thank you Mom.

Or, what about when my daughter comes home from school complaining about an interaction with a friend that I too would complain about? What should I do? Should I call the other kid’s parent? Or the school? Should I tell her to ignore this person and find a new friend? I don’t want to see her struggle and as a dad of three daughters, I want to be the protector. I want to be the place of refuge for my girls. But if I make that phone call in this case, I might have robbed her of the ability to think critically. Instead, she realized that at this point, their personalities didn’t blend well, and she could have a better relationship with a different friend. Not the ideal outcome in the moment but a key learning in life.

There are certainly times when I will need to step in more directly. However, I need to apply my own discernment and realize those times are the exception, not the rule. My discussion with her was centered around understanding why this situation surfaced. Why did the friend act this way? How did you, my daughter, contribute to this interaction? I understand my kids aren’t perfect and could have contributed to this dilemma. What are a few options on how to move forward? If she helps to solve the problem, she’ll be better equipped to think critically in the moment and share that learning with others. If she just applies what I say or believes I’ll fix “it” for her, she’ll struggle more in those moments when the heat really rises. We’ve told our kids repeatedly and we share this belief with others, we’re not raising kids, we’re raising future adults, future leaders. Leaders can’t always look over their shoulder for someone to come save the day.

Sometimes, not giving the child what they want in the moment presents conflict. I’m essentially telling my child, “no” and in the earlier case, it’s to address a conflict for them. In other situations, this could be minor like saying they can’t always just have PB&J and grapes on their plate and no, I’m not going to make your lunch. Or, I won’t email the teacher for you, asking for clarification on an assignment. It’s likely they won’t make the same decision I would, which exposes some of my own helicopter issues but hey, improvement needs a place to start. On the other hand, what if we’ve taught our kids so well that they actually handle a situation better than we would have, or, make a much better lunch than we would have? Imagine that light bulb moment. Imagine if my teenager couldn’t make her own positive food choices or make her own bed. What if we got tired of negotiating with her and performed these daily tasks for her? Would it continue through high school and then into early adulthood? What decisions are made at that point? What did we really teach her? While the bed example is still working to prove its benefit (it took getting married for me to see the benefit), the food example has paid off in spades. I challenge you to find a newly minted teenager who eats a more powerful menu. Girl loves some sugar, but it brings a smile to our faces when she runs the show in the kitchen making her choices. The alternative could have robbed her of real-life qualities. She is now an example for her younger sisters and isn’t that the way it works? See one, do one, teach one? Show her how to make an omelette, have her make a few mistakes en route to her perfecting her own omelette then have her show her friend or sisters how to make an omelette.

This learning doesn’t happen, or at least it doesn’t happen until later in life unless we empower our children, our future adults, to think critically through tough decisions. If I rob my kids of learning through adversity, they’ll believe that life is easy because others take care of the hard stuff for them. Or, what if they walked through life not knowing how to think through things on their own?

By the grace of God, my adversity has been minimal and to date, so has the adversity our girls have had to face. There are times where it is appropriate for me to step in, times where adult contribution is advised. However, if I think my contribution is required to keep them from spilling milk on the counter, that is more of a control issue. When they spill the milk, they learn to clean it up. They learn that cleaning it up is no fun therefore they look for a way to avoid spilling the milk. I’m not pouring the milk for you any longer and guess what, they love the responsibility. Shoot, now they observe parental behavior when we’re out and they feel sorry for the kid. “Let your kid try it for themselves instead of doing it for them. They’ll learn.” These are statements they have made from their own observations.

Can you please let your children, your future adults, spill a little milk, get a few bruises, make a few mistakes and see that both you and they, can learn through not having the grass mowed for them? Let them experience a little reality, a little bit of hiking through the tall grass, not just walking barefoot on the putting green. If they’re not fortunate enough to experience some small failures at an early age, what happens when they fail at something at a later age? They might think they’re a failure because life has come so easy for them until that moment. Don’t do that to them. Don’t rob them of the learning experience adversity provides? Did you become stronger by having life lived for you?

Accountability Fights ISOLATION

You’ve read the headlines, you’ve had the conversations; shoot, you’ve even felt the feelings. Isolation is almost inevitable unless you take a posture to fight it, proactively. What are you going to do when your number is called; when you inevitably feel like you’re facing life, alone? In a world where industries stand on the foundation of connecting humans, my guess is that you’ve struggled with never having felt more DISconnected. From a distance, you see withdrawal happening. You see people getting together without you. You remember the relationships you had, and you have just drifted apart. That’s the problem. You’re drifting. You’re on autopilot, going through the motions. When you’re not in the midst of driving a purpose, intimately involved with a mission, you feel lost. How have you or should I ask, how do you, deal with it?

I relied upon myself to get out of it. I was a self-sufficient man that didn’t understand the hypocrisy of the statement, self-sufficient man. Take it back to the beginning of time, back to Genesis. Man was not made to be alone so why in God’s creation did I think I could overcome His original design? Because I’m different, I thought. My scars are my own and I’ve got this. Adam didn’t have my scars, I’m different. I’ve written about this and with friends, I’ve discussed at length, this transformation that began 4 years ago. Ultimately, it was a transformation into the reality that my self-imposed isolation, based on the desire to live life my way, was no longer sustainable. Fortunately, my wife recognized an issue before I did and we began walking this, together.

Additionally, I opened up to more than just her. I sought counselling which opened my eyes to how my past was affecting my present. Seeking professional counsel was one of the best decisions. After all, when your heart isn’t right, you see the doctor. So, when my mind was “off,” I had to see the doctor. Then, I used the platform and leadership opportunities granted to me through F3 (f3nation.com) to start a difficult workout themed around exposing topics we, as men, deal with. This was when I truly began to fight male isolation head on. I noticed I wasn’t alone. I was with men, who later became brothers, that were fighting similar fights. Brothers to my left and right, whom I was doing burpees with, running suicide sprints with, and running miles alongside, who cared about my struggle. The beauty of this was I cared about their struggle, too. We didn’t just listen to each other, we pushed each other. These men wanted to shoulder my struggle with me. They demanded that my fight was not to be done alone. We questioned each other and ultimately, held each other accountable to change.

It’s the “accountability” that requires further excavation. You can’t hold yourself accountable. You can try but you will fail; you need to be accountable to a person or to a standard. We are great salespeople and we’ll sell ourselves to justify our actions. Going back 4 years, I justified my emotionless exterior as an anchor I was allowed to drag through life. You didn’t know what I was fighting inside so therefore, you couldn’t judge me for acting as I did. The moment that reality came into focus and I had the courage to share the discovery with a few men one morning, my ability to retreat to that historical place of comfort was gone. No longer, could I justify my immaturity while feeling sorry for myself. When I felt those feelings begin to bubble up again, I found those men who knew my story, or, what happened more often, those men found me where I was. They would ask questions, trigger a response, then boom, I was caught. I was caught and they knew the truth. That is accountability and it works. Any man who says they’re holding themselves accountable is uncomfortable making the changes they know they need to make.

As men, we can be masters of self-deception. We’re so good at justifying our behavior that we can build a narrative based off a belief we want to be true. I wanted to justify my belief that I was different. I deceived myself, both consciously and subconsciously, until I was tired of the funk I found myself in. In F3, we call it the Flux, the emotional reactions to life’s ups and downs.

I’ve been blessed to walk with other men over the years who have gone through tough stuff, way more than just their own Flux. In some cases, they’ve justified their actions and beliefs due to the circumstances. Situations often begin with a small frustration the man was unwilling to address through relationship candor. That frustration evolves into a thought, then a bigger thought. Those thoughts turn into actions which grow and build upon each other. Eventually, minor frustration turns into life-altering deception, driving the man into isolation and further destruction. Why? In part because he isn’t open enough to engage in hard, challenging but loving, accountability-based relationships.

As men, when we face an obstacle that looks like accountability, we can isolate and convince ourselves we’re right and everyone else is wrong. If I’m right, to what am I being held accountable? We’re then left alone wondering where our support system has gone and how we got ourselves into the mess we did. Mike Tyson said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” The reality of isolation is like getting punched in the mouth. When you retreat to your corner, you’re left picking up the pieces caused by your own behavior. You see this in public, your neighborhood, your family, even yourself. When I chose not to engage in my own irritations, I justified my actions and found myself emotionally isolated. The most embarrassing part of this narrative, I did it to myself.

So, what do we do now? What if you’ve isolated yourself for so long that now you’re convinced there is no turning back? You’ve burned bridges and severed relationships. What now? It’s the same way you keep from going deeper down the hole you find yourself in. You stop. You stop digging and stop retreating. You send a text. You make a call. You reach out. It really can start there; by taking the posture to fight the past. Own your mistakes and verbalize them. Identify the actions that triggered them. Otherwise, you’ll try holding yourself accountable to something you’ve not fully embraced. Find another man you can trust and have the tough conversations. Extend your arm, grab hold and allow yourself to be pulled out of isolation. You are known and you are loved. The world misses you and needs you back in the fight.