Accountability Fights ISOLATION

You’ve read the headlines, you’ve had the conversations; shoot, you’ve even felt the feelings. Isolation is almost inevitable unless you take a posture to fight it, proactively. What are you going to do when your number is called; when you inevitably feel like you’re facing life, alone? In a world where industries stand on the foundation of connecting humans, my guess is that you’ve struggled with never having felt more DISconnected. From a distance, you see withdrawal happening. You see people getting together without you. You remember the relationships you had, and you have just drifted apart. That’s the problem. You’re drifting. You’re on autopilot, going through the motions. When you’re not in the midst of driving a purpose, intimately involved with a mission, you feel lost. How have you or should I ask, how do you, deal with it?

I relied upon myself to get out of it. I was a self-sufficient man that didn’t understand the hypocrisy of the statement, self-sufficient man. Take it back to the beginning of time, back to Genesis. Man was not made to be alone so why in God’s creation did I think I could overcome His original design? Because I’m different, I thought. My scars are my own and I’ve got this. Adam didn’t have my scars, I’m different. I’ve written about this and with friends, I’ve discussed at length, this transformation that began 4 years ago. Ultimately, it was a transformation into the reality that my self-imposed isolation, based on the desire to live life my way, was no longer sustainable. Fortunately, my wife recognized an issue before I did and we began walking this, together.

Additionally, I opened up to more than just her. I sought counselling which opened my eyes to how my past was affecting my present. Seeking professional counsel was one of the best decisions. After all, when your heart isn’t right, you see the doctor. So, when my mind was “off,” I had to see the doctor. Then, I used the platform and leadership opportunities granted to me through F3 (f3nation.com) to start a difficult workout themed around exposing topics we, as men, deal with. This was when I truly began to fight male isolation head on. I noticed I wasn’t alone. I was with men, who later became brothers, that were fighting similar fights. Brothers to my left and right, whom I was doing burpees with, running suicide sprints with, and running miles alongside, who cared about my struggle. The beauty of this was I cared about their struggle, too. We didn’t just listen to each other, we pushed each other. These men wanted to shoulder my struggle with me. They demanded that my fight was not to be done alone. We questioned each other and ultimately, held each other accountable to change.

It’s the “accountability” that requires further excavation. You can’t hold yourself accountable. You can try but you will fail; you need to be accountable to a person or to a standard. We are great salespeople and we’ll sell ourselves to justify our actions. Going back 4 years, I justified my emotionless exterior as an anchor I was allowed to drag through life. You didn’t know what I was fighting inside so therefore, you couldn’t judge me for acting as I did. The moment that reality came into focus and I had the courage to share the discovery with a few men one morning, my ability to retreat to that historical place of comfort was gone. No longer, could I justify my immaturity while feeling sorry for myself. When I felt those feelings begin to bubble up again, I found those men who knew my story, or, what happened more often, those men found me where I was. They would ask questions, trigger a response, then boom, I was caught. I was caught and they knew the truth. That is accountability and it works. Any man who says they’re holding themselves accountable is uncomfortable making the changes they know they need to make.

As men, we can be masters of self-deception. We’re so good at justifying our behavior that we can build a narrative based off a belief we want to be true. I wanted to justify my belief that I was different. I deceived myself, both consciously and subconsciously, until I was tired of the funk I found myself in. In F3, we call it the Flux, the emotional reactions to life’s ups and downs.

I’ve been blessed to walk with other men over the years who have gone through tough stuff, way more than just their own Flux. In some cases, they’ve justified their actions and beliefs due to the circumstances. Situations often begin with a small frustration the man was unwilling to address through relationship candor. That frustration evolves into a thought, then a bigger thought. Those thoughts turn into actions which grow and build upon each other. Eventually, minor frustration turns into life-altering deception, driving the man into isolation and further destruction. Why? In part because he isn’t open enough to engage in hard, challenging but loving, accountability-based relationships.

As men, when we face an obstacle that looks like accountability, we can isolate and convince ourselves we’re right and everyone else is wrong. If I’m right, to what am I being held accountable? We’re then left alone wondering where our support system has gone and how we got ourselves into the mess we did. Mike Tyson said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” The reality of isolation is like getting punched in the mouth. When you retreat to your corner, you’re left picking up the pieces caused by your own behavior. You see this in public, your neighborhood, your family, even yourself. When I chose not to engage in my own irritations, I justified my actions and found myself emotionally isolated. The most embarrassing part of this narrative, I did it to myself.

So, what do we do now? What if you’ve isolated yourself for so long that now you’re convinced there is no turning back? You’ve burned bridges and severed relationships. What now? It’s the same way you keep from going deeper down the hole you find yourself in. You stop. You stop digging and stop retreating. You send a text. You make a call. You reach out. It really can start there; by taking the posture to fight the past. Own your mistakes and verbalize them. Identify the actions that triggered them. Otherwise, you’ll try holding yourself accountable to something you’ve not fully embraced. Find another man you can trust and have the tough conversations. Extend your arm, grab hold and allow yourself to be pulled out of isolation. You are known and you are loved. The world misses you and needs you back in the fight.