MARRIAGE

Built on love AND respect

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (ESV)

As you read this, there is a good chance you had memories from your wedding ceremony going through your head. You might have even cracked a smile. Or, if you’re like me, you also had visions of Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson sitting in a church pew. Whatever your thoughts, you’re familiar with the numerous references to the word, “love.” Of course, love is at the root of why you ever said, “I Do.” But I believe that just below the surface of true and honest love is the concept of ‘respect.’ What if the Apostle Paul wrote these verses with the word “respect” as well? Imagine your wedding Officiant saying, “Love AND respect are patient and kind; love AND respect do not envy or boast; love AND respect are not arrogant or rude.”

The three words we humans perhaps desire to hear the most are, “I love you.” As I’ve aged, I’ve desired to feel an additional three words, “I respect you.” Is it because I’m searching for human validation or because I doubt my own ability? It’s probably a little of both…or more than likely, a lot of both. This is assuredly a me issue as my validation should only come from my Creator rather than His creation. You’re likely familiar with the book, The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman (https://www.5lovelanguages.com/) and have an understanding of your language for giving and receiving love. If you’re not familiar, I implore you to read this book with your spouse. The concept of identifying my own love language and that of my spouse opened the eyes of my own marriage many years ago. However, as I referenced in my previous writing, it has taken me some time to learn to communicate effectively with the knowledge of my wife’s primary love language.

Her primary language is Words of Affirmation; she feels loved and appreciated by receiving affirming words. And not just from anyone, she desires those affirming words to come from me, her husband. She wants to know that as life gets crazy, she is still crushing life me, for us. I am sure for many, this seems easy, but for me, it has been the hardest of the languages to speak. Understand, my primary language is Acts of Service, with Words of Affirmation scoring my lowest. I feel loved when she helps accomplish the to-do list, and I love, by taking things off her to-do list. In my mind, I can feel dialed in when “doing” all these things, performing all these services. While in her mind, I am dropping the ball like a failed circus act. Uh oh Houston, you see the problem?

She knows I love her, and I know she loves me. But sometimes we don’t speak the language that we each hear the best. This can lead to a respect issue. It can lead to tension and miscommunication. If we are not careful, it could lead to me being with my friends talking about how my wife doesn’t appreciate what I do or that she is always waiting on me to take care of “things.” For her, it could mean conversations with girlfriends about why I just don’t tell her she is doing a good job holding her world together. Our plates of responsibility are full, but our emotional cups can sometimes run empty. I’m not sure if Paul could’ve helped our situation if he included respect in those verses from 1 Corinthians but it certainly wouldn’t have hurt.

This past year I witnessed a conversation that ultimately led me to this writing. I was part of a golf threesome and we had a solo golfer playing behind us. He eventually caught us and we offered for him to play through by himself, or he could join our group and have a little fellowship with guys for the final 6 holes. When faced with this decision, he chose to join us and his stated reason for this was, “I don’t mind playing slower because it means less time at home to hear THE WIFE complaining.” He went on to say a few other things that emphasized his point. WOW…really? We haven’t even introduced ourselves and this was his ice breaker. Where does a comment like that come from? Is it from a place of hurt, miscommunication, frustration, lack of love or perhaps, is it coming from a place of disrespect?

If he were a close friend, perhaps I’d have more context to know of a marital challenge or offer a follow up comment that would open the door to engage. However, I had just crossed paths with this guy and he didn’t even know my name. What would he say if he were more comfortable with the three of us? What then?

Marriage is a covenant. It’s a commitment. It is a statement that no matter what, we are not going to quit on each other. This is especially true when we don’t see eye to eye and have to work through a problem. When love AND respect are present, I know that on the other side of a rough patch, we will be able to look back and appreciate each other more because we respected each other enough to fight for our union. How much more would you respect someone if you felt confident in their determination to fight for you and stand up to protect you. Imagine my golfing acquaintance saying, “I’d love to join you three. My wife knows I love being on the course and said to take as much time as I’d like?”

I can’t say the 21 years Kim and I have been together have been the model of perfection. In fact, it’s really only been the last 2 years where we’ve hit our stride. But I will say this. I love AND respect my wife more than ever and I am confident in her love AND respect for me. I can still revert back to my language of service and fall short of speaking her language of affirmation, but neither of us doubt the other’s desire to improve. We make every effort to work through the rough patches and show our respect for each other by speaking the other’s language. Not only is love patient and kind, respect too, is patient and kind. Respect does not insist on its own way.