Accountability Fights ISOLATION

You’ve read the headlines, you’ve had the conversations; shoot, you’ve even felt the feelings. Isolation is almost inevitable unless you take a posture to fight it, proactively. What are you going to do when your number is called; when you inevitably feel like you’re facing life, alone? In a world where industries stand on the foundation of connecting humans, my guess is that you’ve struggled with never having felt more DISconnected. From a distance, you see withdrawal happening. You see people getting together without you. You remember the relationships you had, and you have just drifted apart. That’s the problem. You’re drifting. You’re on autopilot, going through the motions. When you’re not in the midst of driving a purpose, intimately involved with a mission, you feel lost. How have you or should I ask, how do you, deal with it?

I relied upon myself to get out of it. I was a self-sufficient man that didn’t understand the hypocrisy of the statement, self-sufficient man. Take it back to the beginning of time, back to Genesis. Man was not made to be alone so why in God’s creation did I think I could overcome His original design? Because I’m different, I thought. My scars are my own and I’ve got this. Adam didn’t have my scars, I’m different. I’ve written about this and with friends, I’ve discussed at length, this transformation that began 4 years ago. Ultimately, it was a transformation into the reality that my self-imposed isolation, based on the desire to live life my way, was no longer sustainable. Fortunately, my wife recognized an issue before I did and we began walking this, together.

Additionally, I opened up to more than just her. I sought counselling which opened my eyes to how my past was affecting my present. Seeking professional counsel was one of the best decisions. After all, when your heart isn’t right, you see the doctor. So, when my mind was “off,” I had to see the doctor. Then, I used the platform and leadership opportunities granted to me through F3 (f3nation.com) to start a difficult workout themed around exposing topics we, as men, deal with. This was when I truly began to fight male isolation head on. I noticed I wasn’t alone. I was with men, who later became brothers, that were fighting similar fights. Brothers to my left and right, whom I was doing burpees with, running suicide sprints with, and running miles alongside, who cared about my struggle. The beauty of this was I cared about their struggle, too. We didn’t just listen to each other, we pushed each other. These men wanted to shoulder my struggle with me. They demanded that my fight was not to be done alone. We questioned each other and ultimately, held each other accountable to change.

It’s the “accountability” that requires further excavation. You can’t hold yourself accountable. You can try but you will fail; you need to be accountable to a person or to a standard. We are great salespeople and we’ll sell ourselves to justify our actions. Going back 4 years, I justified my emotionless exterior as an anchor I was allowed to drag through life. You didn’t know what I was fighting inside so therefore, you couldn’t judge me for acting as I did. The moment that reality came into focus and I had the courage to share the discovery with a few men one morning, my ability to retreat to that historical place of comfort was gone. No longer, could I justify my immaturity while feeling sorry for myself. When I felt those feelings begin to bubble up again, I found those men who knew my story, or, what happened more often, those men found me where I was. They would ask questions, trigger a response, then boom, I was caught. I was caught and they knew the truth. That is accountability and it works. Any man who says they’re holding themselves accountable is uncomfortable making the changes they know they need to make.

As men, we can be masters of self-deception. We’re so good at justifying our behavior that we can build a narrative based off a belief we want to be true. I wanted to justify my belief that I was different. I deceived myself, both consciously and subconsciously, until I was tired of the funk I found myself in. In F3, we call it the Flux, the emotional reactions to life’s ups and downs.

I’ve been blessed to walk with other men over the years who have gone through tough stuff, way more than just their own Flux. In some cases, they’ve justified their actions and beliefs due to the circumstances. Situations often begin with a small frustration the man was unwilling to address through relationship candor. That frustration evolves into a thought, then a bigger thought. Those thoughts turn into actions which grow and build upon each other. Eventually, minor frustration turns into life-altering deception, driving the man into isolation and further destruction. Why? In part because he isn’t open enough to engage in hard, challenging but loving, accountability-based relationships.

As men, when we face an obstacle that looks like accountability, we can isolate and convince ourselves we’re right and everyone else is wrong. If I’m right, to what am I being held accountable? We’re then left alone wondering where our support system has gone and how we got ourselves into the mess we did. Mike Tyson said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” The reality of isolation is like getting punched in the mouth. When you retreat to your corner, you’re left picking up the pieces caused by your own behavior. You see this in public, your neighborhood, your family, even yourself. When I chose not to engage in my own irritations, I justified my actions and found myself emotionally isolated. The most embarrassing part of this narrative, I did it to myself.

So, what do we do now? What if you’ve isolated yourself for so long that now you’re convinced there is no turning back? You’ve burned bridges and severed relationships. What now? It’s the same way you keep from going deeper down the hole you find yourself in. You stop. You stop digging and stop retreating. You send a text. You make a call. You reach out. It really can start there; by taking the posture to fight the past. Own your mistakes and verbalize them. Identify the actions that triggered them. Otherwise, you’ll try holding yourself accountable to something you’ve not fully embraced. Find another man you can trust and have the tough conversations. Extend your arm, grab hold and allow yourself to be pulled out of isolation. You are known and you are loved. The world misses you and needs you back in the fight.

The Difficult Produces Growth

I struggle with how to put this into words, but I’ve come to realize that I do not grow when setting out to accomplish easy objectives? Technological and social advances aimed at improving our everyday lives, may make us more efficient, but what lessons and what growth are we missing out on when we are consistently able to avoid discomfort? This has made me soft in some ways. What’s more, at times I know I’ve flocked toward those easier things rather than face the pain of not knowing how or being able to complete the harder thing. I’ve cowered away from the learning process (try, fail, try again, succeed). Then it’s perpetuated. I don’t learn what it’s like to overcome adversity so therefore, I avoid adverse situations.

Over time, I have learned that much of my confidence is born out of my participation in physically challenging events. These events have evolved over the years, but the harder they are or the longer they last, the better and the more I learn about myself. There is something about completing an objective that is taxing, be it physical, mental or emotionally taxing, that builds a level of self-confidence difficult to put into words. For several years, I talked about multi-day, endurance events, but for one reason or many, I avoided registering. Some would say, those events are just crazy to even think about, yet for me, I saw them as a dream. Two years ago, I finally caught hold of that dream when I began my pursuit of the “bolts.”

I was joined by 3 other men who would help me stare down my demons and take a run at completing the most physically demanding event I’d attempted to date. It was the GORUCK HTL which stands for Heavy Tough Light. GORUCK conducts endurance events modeled after military training exercises to challenge the participants in just about every imaginable way. This Heavy was roughly 24hrs and covered 40 miles; the Tough lasted 12hrs and covered 20 miles, while the Light consisted of 6hrs covering 10 miles. In between each event, we had a few hours to recover and re-fire our spirits. These events test you individually while also requiring you to operate as a team. More information can be found at www.goruck.com.

These bolts I mentioned are three lightning bolts stitched on a 2” x 3” Velcro™-style patch to be worn on a Ruck, a tactical hat or displayed on a patch board. That’s it. No money or recognition. No plaque or medal. Just the feeling of completion and a newfound respect for not only those who joined you in this pursuit, but also respect for yourself, and the surge in confidence that comes from completing such an event. The patch symbolizes the work, the shared suffering, the demons overcome. The patch welcomes you to the comradery of a few. The patch became the target I ran toward a few years ago. The early morning training, the two-a-day workouts, marathon distance rucks, slinging a ton of weight and shared suffering with 3 other men, Jeff Parker, Matt Sheridan and Phillip Thorne; that was where the bond and true confidence was built. That patch reminds me of the confidence I should have in myself.

I would have never completed, much less attempted, the GORUCK HTL without these men by my side. They knew the headspace I was in. Physically, I knew I could do it, but mentally, that is where I lacked confidence. These men saw to it that I wouldn’t train alone and each of them had their own motivation. These guys are different, obviously. They are the ones you call in case of emergency. They are the ones that can see the look in my eyes and without a single word, know what’s next. I’m blessed to have a number of men like that in my life and I hope you have those people, too.

There was one early Saturday morning workout we had planned, but due to a conflict, I couldn’t join them. I was bummed. I tried to get over it but honestly, I was in a funk. They learned I couldn’t join them and I was going to attempt the scheduled workout on my own. They changed their plans and showed up in my driveway early that morning so we could complete it, together. The workout sucked, in a good way. It was brutal. One of us threw out their back. Another essentially dislocated a hip. Looking back, we all agreed, that workout would’ve been almost impossible if attempted solo. But what made it possible, even memorable, was that we sought the difficult with accountability by our side. Had we settled for the easy, our goal would never have been possible. We would have embraced the excuses and settled for what most see as comfortable. But, why would we do that? We wouldn’t. Or should I say, we shouldn’t. Rather, together we sought the difficult, knowing it would build a new level of confidence we’d later need. In the early morning hours or the heat of the afternoon during the Heavy, that never-quit confidence most certainly came into play.

These experiences of pushing myself further than I thought possible, have made me question what other areas of my life I have opted for what is comfortable or easy rather than raising the stakes to do the harder thing. How about the time I didn’t have the hard conversation with my wife because I was scared of how it could expose my own weakness? What about at work? What about the time I kept my hand in my pocket rather than raise it to take on a difficult project? What did I learn then? I learned that I’m scared. I learned that I lacked confidence. I learned that my growth would be delayed.

When I let fear or apathy drive my decisions and I am too afraid to take on the difficult, I fail. I learned 2 years ago that true growth comes in the midst of discomfort. I learned that my mental strength is just like my physical strength; it only grows when it is tested, stretched, and possibly, torn. I’ll only truly know what I’m capable of when I test myself and go beyond the limits I impose.

I should’ve realized this years ago when a great example, my wife, set out to start her own business. It was a scary time. She had constant questions swirling in her head. Where would my patients come from? How would I pay the bills? Who would watch the kids? What if I fail? Would that make me a failure? Similar questions that keep us from embarking on any new journey. The fear of the unknown, the uncomfortable, can be the largest barrier to realizing growth. That barrier keeps us from realizing the confidence that lies beneath.

She’s accomplished so much since starting her business; beyond the obvious. Leadership growth, thriving during a pandemic, learning how to handle personnel decisions, and serving a community in a way God has uniquely equipped her for, are all examples of growth that would’ve never happened had she not embraced the difficult. Watching her navigate this unknown has reinforced for us both that stepping out into the difficult is worth it. It’s where we grow, and get to see God at work in, and through our lives.

Where will you find your patch? What limitations have you put on yourself that are keeping you comfortable? What growth are you giving up on? Take that first step in charging after the difficult. You might just learn you’re capable of more than you thought.

You Are What You Eat

You’ve heard this before. It was likely in elementary school when you heard another kid say, “You are what you eat.” You rolled your eyes, walked away and wondered, what does that even mean? As an adult I know, if I eat certain foods, I feel heavy, even sluggish. I enjoy the flavor of it going down but once it’s down, I don’t enjoy the resulting feeling nearly as much. If I eat simple, whole, less processed foods, I feel better. If what I eat has been processed or altered, my body feels altered and not quite right.

There is another saying that “you’ll become the average of the 5 people you surround yourself with”. Maybe it’s 5 or possibly 10, but rather than get caught in the specifics, let’s look at the intent. If we surround ourselves with people of character who are looking to improve, we’ll be pulled into betterment. However, if we surround ourselves with people prone to negativity or questionable integrity, we will likely become negative and settle on something short of the target. If they complain, we think complaining is the norm. However, if those close friends are focused on disrupting the status quo through acceleration, we know where we are headed. In other words, it is difficult to be anything other than a product of your environment, therefore, we must make a concerted effort to intentionally choose our environment.

During my career, I’ve been blessed to work with several good managers, but one truly stands above the rest as a great leader. He spoke truth, faced difficult situations head on, stayed focused during distractions and developed our team to do more than we thought we were capable of. We had strategic goals as a team, but inevitably, daily distractions attempted to veer us off course. They were short-term temptations that could be counterproductive to our strategy if we let them become our new aim.

Our work environment was challenging by business standards. We were facing inflation pressures, new or rising tariffs, an influx of competition and company in-fighting with sales teams competing for corporate resources. I could get emotionally caught up in the possibilities, whereas this leader would stay aligned on the facts. I knew he could get passionate about a situation, but facts, and his vision, guided our steps. He led with a calming presence. He would ask questions like, “How does this help?” or “Do you KNOW that to be true OR, do you THINK that is true?” These were intentional questions for me to consume and it would quickly work to eliminate or lessen the anxiety in most situations.

It’s amazing how I felt about work when I was consuming what he was providing. He was the most challenging manager I’ve worked under, yet I appreciated him and learned more in that environment than any other. He provided clarity and fact-based decisions. He kept me out of the anxiety-based emotions that could lead to believing the worst-case scenario would become reality. When working under his leadership, my mind was clearer, not clouded by fear. My eyes were focused ahead, not looking over my shoulder. He kept us focused on the goals. He chose not to get caught in rumors or negativity; he was intentional on what he chose to consume.

These lessons have been important for me over the past few years as the level of fear that is being dished out through news outlets, social media, and other avenues has exceeded what we thought imaginable. The more dramatic a story, the more it invokes our fear response, and the more eyes it attracts. We call this click bait. Pull up the news and read the headlines which are written with words tied more to emotion than information. Words like attack, mockery, argue, inflamed, hell, messy, crippling. The goal is for us, the consumer, to be shocked by the headline and get sucked into following additional links to drive clicks, dependence, then revenue. This language is not an accident, nor is it innocent. It is designed to make us think we can’t live without consuming more of it. It’s an addiction we’ve trained our minds to not live without. And it works.

What do you think happens to your mind after consuming this fear-inducing content? I know that my mind often becomes angry, sad, annoyed, unforgiving, and sometimes entitled. I feel justified at my emotional peak, like having taken a hit of pure sugar. But just like sugar, these emotional swings often lead to a crash. So, why do we continue to consume such toxic information? Because these news agencies, no, these agencies of opinioned journalism, are experts at getting us addicted to their content. The only chance we have for change is when we, who arguably know better, decide to rise above the noise and change what we consume.

In the past, my consumption habits had me convinced my opinion was always right. If you and I didn’t agree on what I saw as the truth, I became fixated on trying to convince you that I was right. Reading that, I’m embarrassed by my past ways. How could I, flawed as I am, ever have believed that I was the source of truth? That honor goes to Jesus, and Jesus alone. He says I am to be patient, kind, forgiving, loving and strong. I cannot be those things if I am consuming what much of today’s world is offering. I cannot exhibit those traits if I am surrounding myself with emotionally driven people who deal in anger, anxiety and fear. I will not live the life I need to live if I allow anxiety-based fear to roar louder than truth-based love.

I’ve realized that when anxiety gets a foothold in my mind it can lead to sustained fear, and I can spiral.  Consuming content from sources that are motivated by getting me to buy their narratives rather than building up a foundation for good, makes me nothing more than their puppet. So, I’m done. I’ve drawn a line in the sand. I can no longer be the consumer of opinion-based negativity. While truth isn’t always rosy, it’s based on facts, not opinions. It’s time we critically ingest the information around us rather than be baited into swallowing lies.

So, what are you consuming? Are you falling for the short-term emotional hit of fear? Or, are you cutting through the fog to recognize truth? Does what you consume have such a grip on your mind that it’s become your everyday reality? Is it the emotional version of the addictive sugar? How is that helping you become a better version of yourself? Are you the angry, judgmental, sarcastic, short-fused, impatient, mascot of a man that is way too prevalent in 2021? If you are ready to put an end to the nonsense, join me. Be a man that speaks truth in love. Be the man that is grounded in truth with convictions based on morals. Be strong. Make the hard decisions to change what you consume.