Why Run?

To lose weight, improve health, train for a race or manage stress. These are but a few of the many motivations for running. Initially, mine was to complete a half marathon, then a full marathon, then overnight relay races, then 50K’s. The side benefits were health and stress-related but it didn’t start there. It is interesting to look back on my life and see how the road was full of left and right turns to get to where I am today. When I ran that first race, I couldn’t have possibly known where the road would lead 10+ years later. It’d be foolish to think I can predict where the road will take me 10 years from today.

When I started that adventure in 2009, I knew my motivation. As life evolved and I ran more, I saw it as an outlet to help manage obstacles. If dinner included two large plates, that next morning would include a hard workout or a long run. If the stress of the day ran higher than usual, that evening would include a run. If I was missing fellowship with a friend, I’d send a text for a buddy-run and hope it fell on receptive ears. While motivations changed, they would fall into one of two categories. I was either running from or running toward something. Running from included the meal choices, an elevated stress level or life’s frustrations. Running toward were more positive, like training, mind clearing or catching up.

But what about in other areas of my life? Are there places in my life where I am trying to run from reality rather than run intentionally forward? As I think back, there have been times when I have put my name in the hat for a job change yet know my motivation for the position could be questioned.   Am I actually excited about a new opportunity and feel it will take me forward to achieving a career goal, or could I just not stand the thought of another Groundhog Day? Is my current situation so unbearable that I truly believe anything will be better? Is there greener grass? In other words, am I running away, or am I running towards something?

Maybe the situation isn’t work driven; maybe it’s relationship driven. I need to go meet a friend for a beer because if I go home, I’m going to lose it. My wife doesn’t understand what I deal with everyday yet when I come home, it seems as if I can’t do anything right. As men, we yearn for respect. We’ll seek out opportunities where other people or groups respect us for who we are or for what we bring to the table. If I’m a good accountant, it’s understandable that I would find opportunities to perform accounting functions, especially if others find accounting difficult. If I’m a good salesman, I’ll be attracted to situations where I can engage with others and use my persuasive personality for advantageous reasons. On the other hand, if I am that accountant or salesman yet come home and feel the pressure of not being a good enough husband, father or provider, I’ll seek out other avenues where my respect card is punched.

Several years ago, I had blinders on and saw how the world, at least my little piece of it, was not showing me the respect I was due. Never mind the notion that I already built up the negativity in my mind before I even walked in the door after a day at work. I felt I was being realistic. My wife had a full-time job and we had three young kids. Those three young kids had homework to do and other activities to get to. I didn’t expect my wife to have an apron on in the kitchen making a large Sunday spread on a Wednesday. That’s ridiculous. In my head, all I wanted, or so I thought, was to be acknowledged when I walked in the door. You kids can’t even press pause on the show (much less look up from it) and my wife couldn’t give me more than what amounted to a head nod? Where did I mess this up?

The blinders kept me from seeing what was really going on. Let’s replay the scene again with a little more context. I would pull into the driveway and already, I had created this scene bound for disrespect. In sales, I could convince others, yet this time, I had convinced myself disrespect awaited me on the other side of that door. In my mind, I had already put the expectations on my undeserving family, and they were doomed for failure. What I didn’t tell you was that my wife’s hands were in the midst of making dinner and she looked at me and winked. She had every intention of giving me a hug and a kiss, showing me respect, yet her hands were creating something for us to enjoy, together. As for the kids, guess what? They’re kids, not robots. They’re going to be engrossed in a show, a song or a game and just because I entered the house and took their oxygen, doesn’t mean their world must stop. I realize now, I want them to respect AND love me, not fear me.

While these self-concocted scenarios existed only in my mind, I found myself avoiding what was driving them. I had issues that needed to be uncovered and addressed. I was running away from accountability and running towards blame. I should’ve been running away from selfishness and toward my family for security or to my faith for validation. I missed the respect they were giving me many times to instead focus on the few times where their “lack” of overt respect was convenient for my narrative.

What about you? Are you running from life and therefore running towards distraction? Do you lack contentment with your surroundings and look for the excuse to escape? Do you use phrases like “I can’t wait to get away?” Let me ask you to put yourself in your kids’ or your wife’s shoes and imagine how this statement may be perceived. Imagine your dad saying, “I can’t wait to get away (…from you).” Think if you heard your dad say this; you’d think he was running away from a moment that involved you.  Our words carry weight.  Our actions have an effect.

Are our desires for change driven by a passion or excitement to move towards something great, or is it more somber? Is our desire for movement driven by a feeling that we cannot stay put and must flee? Are we running towards something good, or are we running away from something that is troubling us?  Whatever the motivation, we must be honest with ourselves, clear with our intentions, and aware of any potential blind spots that actually need to be dealt with, not ignored. This past year, we have all been challenged. Whether you’ve been working from home, lost a job, dealt with money issues, faced health concerns or lost a loved one, there has been every reason to ‘run away’ from life. But the real growth comes when we lean in and, rather, run towards a better version of ourselves. The version where we know ourselves and are known by others. That’s worth getting up each morning. That’s worth running towards.

This is my second attempt to connect with the men of F3 through writing as we are all embarking on new stages in life. While not exclusive to F3, I think most men in F3 will connect with some small piece in here.

It’s Ok to Not Be Those Things

Sitting with my Shieldlock recently, the following statement was made, “It’s ok to not be those things.” It hit me. Why do we, me at the front of the line, spend so much effort focusing on who we aren’t rather than who we are? Couldn’t it be that who we aren’t, isn’t even realistic and therefore, we’re striving after fiction? After all, if we’re to be true to ourselves, shouldn’t we be content with not being that other person?

I was raised in an environment where the focus was being myself and not succumbing to the whims of others. But man, that’s hard. I wanted to be part of that crowd; the crowd I was convinced was cooler than I was and had more than I did. Maybe if I acted their way, spoke their way, dressed their way; that would be my ticket to acceptance. Would those be the things that would punch my ticket? In hindsight, the answer is obvious.

So, why did I spend years seeking and reaching for that acceptance? Was that going to get me invited to the sought-after event or what’s more, would it fill a void I had?

Truth is, I have spent the better part of my life not truly knowing myself. There, I said it. I was a grown man in my 30’s with a beautiful wife, great kids, nice house, involved in the community, a few event medals, good job, etc. when I realized I didn’t actually know myself. I didn’t realize the burden of wanting to be accepted that I was carrying around or, if I did realize it, I wasn’t strong enough to step out from it.

This led to the eventual construction of a façade. The façade I wanted the world to see so I’d be accepted for what I thought I needed to be. The façade. I refer to it often and it’s empowering to admit that I no longer feel the need to hide behind it. My façade was made up of a stoic exterior that could never admit to not knowing or not being able to do something. I didn’t ask for help, I rarely smiled, I said yes to prove that I could do it or because I thought it would alleviate pressure from others. This would often manifest itself in physical activities. Let me go run this errand, pick up this person, clean this up, or change my schedule. These are a few ways in which I performed in order to be accepted. I was ok with someone else not being able to do this but I was convinced, I had to perform this way. I wanted the world to be real with me while I would remain behind the safe façade I’ve established.

Maybe you can relate. Here in 2020, many of us are working from home with kids that are schooling from home. My struggle is finding the harmony as an employee that wants to get everything done on time, hit the sales number, develop a team, know the most about the business and yet on the other hand, be the same guy that when his 3 kids are taking a break from school will go outside and play volleyball with them in the middle of the workday. But what about my meeting? How do I do both? I don’t want to look back on this time with regret for not spending every possible moment with my kids, yet I don’t want to come up short on my work responsibilities. How do I handle the frustrations of wanting to show a work ethic while loving my kids more than work? How am I supposed to do all of these, perfectly? What will the world say when they hear I said no to my kids’ request? Will they see me as a failure of a dad? Who am I performing for?

Or, what if a career sales & marketing guy said he wasn’t an entrepreneur? Up until recently, if I’m interviewing candidates for a sales position and they let it slip that they weren’t entrepreneurial, that interview would be over. I wouldn’t dare utter those words myself. Why? Because I allowed my value to be determined by a trait that others could easily categorize. If I can explain my position and explain what I’m good at, people understand. If you’re looking for someone to hit a number, empower and develop a team and build a culture, I’m your guy. But it’s unlikely that I’m going to be the one to go start a business and FINALLY, I’m comfortable enough to say that without feeling unworthy in the business world.

While it’s tempting to revert to these concerns, I am comfortable and beyond content to say that my G.A.S. (Give A S…) factor around what the world judges me on is quite low. Or, as I hinted at earlier, maybe I was assuming the world was judging me and it’s really not true; I’m judging myself based on fiction. What if I were to reveal a struggle on social media? I think that’s possible and encouraged but too often, we don’t allow ourselves to be real, in public. We’ve allowed a good thing to infect our minds and therefore, control our opinions of others. Guess what, I’m not perfect. I struggle in areas. But you know what? I’m ok with you knowing that and if you’re in my inner circle, we’re going to talk about our struggles…face-to-face. When I ask how you’re doing, I mean it. Don’t respond with “good” and move on. If I’m asking, I care.

It’s ok to struggle or to say no. It’s ok to dream. It’s ok to talk about being less than perfect. Over 2,000 years ago, the world was introduced to perfection. I know in my head, I don’t have to be perfect. I’m a work in progress when it comes to transferring that head knowledge to true heart knowledge and living that out. I’m a work in progress on the path to understanding that it’s ok to not be those things I used to measure myself against.