This is my second attempt to connect with the men of F3 through writing as we are all embarking on new stages in life. While not exclusive to F3, I think most men in F3 will connect with some small piece in here.

It’s Ok to Not Be Those Things

Sitting with my Shieldlock recently, the following statement was made, “It’s ok to not be those things.” It hit me. Why do we, me at the front of the line, spend so much effort focusing on who we aren’t rather than who we are? Couldn’t it be that who we aren’t, isn’t even realistic and therefore, we’re striving after fiction? After all, if we’re to be true to ourselves, shouldn’t we be content with not being that other person?

I was raised in an environment where the focus was being myself and not succumbing to the whims of others. But man, that’s hard. I wanted to be part of that crowd; the crowd I was convinced was cooler than I was and had more than I did. Maybe if I acted their way, spoke their way, dressed their way; that would be my ticket to acceptance. Would those be the things that would punch my ticket? In hindsight, the answer is obvious.

So, why did I spend years seeking and reaching for that acceptance? Was that going to get me invited to the sought-after event or what’s more, would it fill a void I had?

Truth is, I have spent the better part of my life not truly knowing myself. There, I said it. I was a grown man in my 30’s with a beautiful wife, great kids, nice house, involved in the community, a few event medals, good job, etc. when I realized I didn’t actually know myself. I didn’t realize the burden of wanting to be accepted that I was carrying around or, if I did realize it, I wasn’t strong enough to step out from it.

This led to the eventual construction of a façade. The façade I wanted the world to see so I’d be accepted for what I thought I needed to be. The façade. I refer to it often and it’s empowering to admit that I no longer feel the need to hide behind it. My façade was made up of a stoic exterior that could never admit to not knowing or not being able to do something. I didn’t ask for help, I rarely smiled, I said yes to prove that I could do it or because I thought it would alleviate pressure from others. This would often manifest itself in physical activities. Let me go run this errand, pick up this person, clean this up, or change my schedule. These are a few ways in which I performed in order to be accepted. I was ok with someone else not being able to do this but I was convinced, I had to perform this way. I wanted the world to be real with me while I would remain behind the safe façade I’ve established.

Maybe you can relate. Here in 2020, many of us are working from home with kids that are schooling from home. My struggle is finding the harmony as an employee that wants to get everything done on time, hit the sales number, develop a team, know the most about the business and yet on the other hand, be the same guy that when his 3 kids are taking a break from school will go outside and play volleyball with them in the middle of the workday. But what about my meeting? How do I do both? I don’t want to look back on this time with regret for not spending every possible moment with my kids, yet I don’t want to come up short on my work responsibilities. How do I handle the frustrations of wanting to show a work ethic while loving my kids more than work? How am I supposed to do all of these, perfectly? What will the world say when they hear I said no to my kids’ request? Will they see me as a failure of a dad? Who am I performing for?

Or, what if a career sales & marketing guy said he wasn’t an entrepreneur? Up until recently, if I’m interviewing candidates for a sales position and they let it slip that they weren’t entrepreneurial, that interview would be over. I wouldn’t dare utter those words myself. Why? Because I allowed my value to be determined by a trait that others could easily categorize. If I can explain my position and explain what I’m good at, people understand. If you’re looking for someone to hit a number, empower and develop a team and build a culture, I’m your guy. But it’s unlikely that I’m going to be the one to go start a business and FINALLY, I’m comfortable enough to say that without feeling unworthy in the business world.

While it’s tempting to revert to these concerns, I am comfortable and beyond content to say that my G.A.S. (Give A S…) factor around what the world judges me on is quite low. Or, as I hinted at earlier, maybe I was assuming the world was judging me and it’s really not true; I’m judging myself based on fiction. What if I were to reveal a struggle on social media? I think that’s possible and encouraged but too often, we don’t allow ourselves to be real, in public. We’ve allowed a good thing to infect our minds and therefore, control our opinions of others. Guess what, I’m not perfect. I struggle in areas. But you know what? I’m ok with you knowing that and if you’re in my inner circle, we’re going to talk about our struggles…face-to-face. When I ask how you’re doing, I mean it. Don’t respond with “good” and move on. If I’m asking, I care.

It’s ok to struggle or to say no. It’s ok to dream. It’s ok to talk about being less than perfect. Over 2,000 years ago, the world was introduced to perfection. I know in my head, I don’t have to be perfect. I’m a work in progress when it comes to transferring that head knowledge to true heart knowledge and living that out. I’m a work in progress on the path to understanding that it’s ok to not be those things I used to measure myself against.